I am a colorblind =ed man

 If there is any word colorblinded man, I am that person.

I have not written any blog for quite a while, because of many things happened to me.

First I dedcided to quit my job, and that I needed to build our house in Mexico, Pampanga.

I thought that because I am jobless thus I am income less, my money that I saved from my previous job will soon gone, and that I decided that I will use those to build our house, I am also fortunate that my budget is little and my uncles offer me small amount to lend me to use for the construction.

Up to now, the house is still not finish for the reason that, I decided to stop it because I am applying for Philippine National Police as Police officer, I also thought that my money still not enough for me to build the house, and that the training will consume up to 9 months training and that after I finished it I will have enough money because of the salary I will get, and that if God wills.

So this is the story, since that day that I decided to quit my job and that I am joining the PNP, I work on my requirements for application and after a month of waiting I am finally enlisted for my application and qualified to with my credentials, am really not sure of what I am doing, and that actually do not know I want to be a policeman, the story continues and that the day of the schedule starts and that is 6 am in the morning is the time of the reporting, we all know that police officer in many countries demands responsible and strict way of lifestyle, and that I woke up early in the morning and attend it, I was really scared and anxious about the result, the first day about our BMI, the Body Mass Index phase of the application that a person must need to be physically fit to be able to move forward to another phase of the application, I was fortunate that I am qualified and recommended to be on the next phase of the application, the second day is about how physically fit you are and that you will undergo a Push-up, sit-up and 3 km run need to finish in 19 mins, all those two must need to make a 35 counts to be able to pass to the next step, again I woke-up early morning for the 5 am reporting time, again I passed it, evidently that I am physical enough and that I actually surpass the expectation I went to make a 55 push-up and 50 sit ups and finished the 3 km run in just 13 Mins. I was not the best but I am confident that I am inside the top 10 best applicant, considering that I am not a criminologist graduate.

In the 3rd day, our exam comes, for the record all those 2 phase was an anxious time for me because after you are evaluated and timed to those exams, we will wait for the final list for those who actually made it, at first in we are 90 plus enlisted and that only 75 applicants have the courage to go and find their fortune of getting the job, 75 of those are cut off into 63 by the second phase of the application, because of the tight and strict requirement  the PNP has. after that one of the hardest phase of the application is the 3rd day which has written exam and an interview portion, it was a whole day.

and so, I have those anxious time where in after the exam, we are required to report the next day because of the result, and for God's greatness again I passed it, everyday of passing the application phase I am happily going to tell my sister that I pass and thank them for praying for me, that phase from 63 to 40 applicants left, and that I am with them.

In the moment we all know that it was actually the end of the application for us, and that mostly the next day will be a medical phase the applicant to ensure that those applicant has no underlying conditions, and for the record those days, we are required to send our ECG and Blood pressure just to ensure that every applicant has the capability to conduct the rigid exams.

But the day comes the fifth day of the application, for all the sleepless nights and effort that I made everyday, I am disqualified because of the phase in the medical exam in the eye that I learned I am a colorblind man, I was shocked because in my 28 years of existence I never thought that I am actually have a color deficiency eyes.

I was shocked when the test of Ishihara exam presented to me by the examiner and that I constantly saying that I am not seeing anything the card, I am clueless, and that she gave me a third time consideration, that I do not see anything, I was shocked when the examiner says YOU ARE DISQUALIFIED. 

I was shocked, the examiner told me not to further go to other steps of the medical exams, I finished already the exams of blood extraction, ECD and X-RAY, but then I am confident I was not sure, but anyway I will not be able to know what is the result because I am disqualified already because of that exam who has actually rare to fail, and that I went straight to pick-up my things to go home straight, I thoughtless, I am hurt, I already expecting to be a policeman, and that little by little it sink in to my mind that I failed and that my plan to become a policeman is dead, and that I will never gonna be a policeman or any authority liked job that has those exam of Ishihara. I will never gonna be.

I told myself that I am going to fail the PNP, I am gonna try to other agency with those kind of job, I stated my story that before I am not sure to be a policeman, but when I entered the application, and that I was enlightened about the environment of being a part of the police authority, I quickly fell in love of the idea of the job, and that I dreamed of becoming one, I have not felt any negative thoughts of joining the PNP, I love it and that waking of early in the morning to those 5 days are for me is exciting and challenging, I like those things to be my job, I will love it, to that kind of responsibility and strictness in life, I needed it, I was excited to enter the training camp, because I know in my heart the God is putting me to something I will love, but then I was wrong and hurt, I cried to a day, I barely stand that afternoon after I went to home, and tell them I failed the exam, I was not convinced that I cannot see any number in the test, I presented it to my brother and that he is seeing numbers in those cards, I was wrong God did not allow me to be a policeman which I am longing to be, I was hurt, I am angry to the Lord, why is he doing this to me, why he has to allow me to pass those exam, or maybe make a way, that I should not finish those requirements, because in the end of the month after I quit my job I am already thinking of not pursuing the application, and that I did not upload any requirement, but then I told myself to give it a try, and that I made an effort to apply for a requirements, I do have lots of effort for those requirements to be able to be part of the enlisting, but then I am not expecting to be in the enlisted applicant, and that I am thinking that if God listed me, then he might want me to become a policeman, and that after the days passing the 3 phases I have already a faith that God is doing this for me, I actually learning to love it just in the glimpse of the career, other than that, the benefits of the job are great, this job is my stepping stone for me to become a lawyer someday, as I answered the interviewer in the 3rd phase exam. I always wanting to become a lawyers, and but I have in my mind that I might forget becoming a lawyer when I become a policeman, but who knows, I always wanting to challenge myself of improving. 

And so, today, I moved on, I was sorry for the Lord, I am still hurt because of what happened, I am embarrassed to myself because of this happening, but then I force myself to look at the bright side, I am hurt because the Lord does not allow me to be in the place I am more secured, I was hurt because he wants me to be in a more hard life I will be facing because I do not have any income right now and money to build me house, I am sorry for my mother that we will move to our house incomplete, but she is kind to support me, that she will be fine, I told my mother, that my money is not enough to finish our house but we are going to move there anyway, because my funds are going scares for the days comes and paying for food and rent, I was fortunate to have my sister to support me financially with the current situation. I am going to tell you this for another story, that I am thankful to have a support system in my life.

Today, I am going to move-on, maybe becoming a policeman is not for me, and it looks like I will never become. I do not know what God want me to learn for this, I was hurt and angry, I got sulk to him, I've done many angry words, hating and bad words that I have no right to tell Him, maybe, I still not praying, I was right when that day I am applying for a policeman, one morning, I thought of the Lord, why I am praying like this so hard just to pass those exams, I am thinking that am doing this because the Lord is granting my request of passing those exams, I really thanked him, and that am praying so hard to help me achieve and pass all the exams and training, and become a policeman, but asked my self, I am still going to thank him when He does not allow me to pass, and eventually I got disqualified in the most little possible in my mind that I will fail.

I was so hurt, I cried and cried for the whole day, my family worried so much, and they cried for me to, because I am telling them that I really like this job to be, and that I am finally happy to find my career I am longing to find, but it did not happen.

maybe, just maybe, I am not going to tell any negative thoughts because I already thought of those and that the blessings are gone, just because of this unfortunate event happened to me, I felt rejected by the Lord, and actually betrayed Him and found myself not having a faith already.

I was sorry.