there is no easy path

 Today

I just realize how inconsistent I am, that I really don't have any word of honor, that I easily get frustrated, and that I easily feel down from what I plan to do in my life. 

Last week I brought a book from internet, about introduction to law, I was happy last Friday upon arriving at home that my package was already arrived in our home in Pampanga. 

That night I was so happy by just opening the package thinking that motivates me to dream more and achieve my dream, which after Saturday afternoon after I went to my uncle's business to visit them.

and today, was it really my dream? I am capable of doing it? I could say now that what I really want in life, is comfortable life, happy my own house, with its own air-conditioned room, I was not even dreaming of big house, the tiny house will suffice my dream provided that it is very clean, has own sink and comfort room, with tiles, with bright light and color white interior. I am also dreaming of having my own dog, my own gun to protect me or maybe in times that I will be needing it, my dream is to learn and learn, read, my dream is to write, to improve myself and making a living by writing, this is what I really want in life, a simple life.

What really stopping me in taking law is first, I am afraid of trouble, lawyer's life in the Philippines are always in danger, because of the nature of their work and that I often times read news about lawyer's killed, maybe because the person he is against with or group of people are powerful, that scare me, I am not even scare if I will pass the bar exam, because I believe if I will doing my school wholeheartedly I will pass it surely, I am confident that I can do it, it may be hard but surely I can do it. But the problem is I am currently now half-hearted right now, that is because when I went to visit my uncle and auntie in their business and got to share all the plan I want to do in my life and that taking a law this year they are against to it.

The problem now and surely I am the only one can answer this and that I hold my life, I am just frustrated to learn that they are not supporting me with this, it just annoying that some of their reasons are very futile, since my father has passed away and my mother is already sick, I get to ask advices from my father's sibling and that uncle of mine is the only one I am asking advices since then that my father pass away. 

Their reasons are that I am already old, I am already 28 that I might not be able to marry, the second thing is that they have relative from side of his wife, my auntie that a lawyer who did not able to marry and be a old single woman, because she chase her dream than her love one, another thing is that lawyers do not even make you rich.

I stated my reason that I do not have nothing to do in life right now, and the only plan I want in life right now is to study law, I am so eager to do it, we exchanges reason, and still at the end they are not  in favor of my plan, I am little sad for having that from them, they have several things that makes me realize will I be able to achieve my dream of becoming a lawyer.

here's another reason that I cannot do it on my own, right now I don't have any resources to support my own study, what I realize should I delay my study? I am worried that I will not be able to find my soulmate, that I will get old without a wife, and will die alone.

If I am going to delay my study, should I still be willing to study in next 5 years, If what I am going to do now is to start saving for my study.

I am planning to spend my little savings on building my tiny house, I think that it will help me a lot on my reading, if I have my own space to learn, and that I plan to build my own house and their I will have my privacy and my confidence that I have my own space and do not think to my family that I am burden to them.

I plan to have my car, buy a second hand car for my to travel to my school and work comfortably because it will help me save my energy and will impact my performance in learning in the school.

Right now my problems are these, I really do not know what to do, but I will end up thanking the Lord that I have these problem right now, I just realize that I may not have answer today, it came up to my mind that I am still blessed to be here right now, breathing, not having a disease, and eating my complete meals in a day.

the problem is, should I go harder one with great fulfillment, risk, frustrations, challenges, restless work and study, years of deprived sleep, will it be worth it in the future? and after that what is my assurance that I will have a great payback from the career I chose to? will be able to help poor people?

I have answer that state of mind to from my uncle that lawyering will not make you rich, It came up to my mind that evening after I went home visiting them that, I may want to be rich someday, but not rich as to have all the things that glamorous life, all I want is simple life, with my pet and my clean and comfortable house, what I realize is that I want to be a lawyer because I want to help people, I want to learn things, I want to contribute to the country to be a little better than before, I integrated this to myself that night, that I am doing it primarily because of internal reason to learn and to help others, secondarily will be the monetary value it will give to me, and that I am ensuring myself that I will not live a glamorous life and that I will use it to help other, I am more contended to be at peace, the Lord knows that I am not selfish when it comes on helping other people.

The problem is that will be able to support myself in my plan, is the Lord want me already to study this year? if not is He want me to delay it and that do it some other year, the problem is will I have my eagerness in doing it if not done this year? I am praying to God, will it be worth it? should I risk my life this year, and sacrifice all the goodness of my life right now, having a work that I am very comfortable with, but I am already feel I am not growing anymore, this maybe because of my mind setting that I am moving on to my next plan. It is hard but really it scares me, I already said in my previous work that I should choose what scares me. will it be worth it, or I am in right path for planning this right now?

and what should I do now if I am pursuing my dream this year? my plan is, to build my own tiny house, save money again and will finally have own space comfortable to finally live my dream of having my own space to someday, I could read and live my life. To buy my own pet, and gun.

None of these things mentioned my plan of marrying , I really do, I do not have someone special to me now to live with my life, but I am planning to, I really want someday to have kids, and a wife if the Lord permits, my dream is not even having a wife, but more on having a child, I do not even care of having a wife right at this very moment because I am not in love, it will suffice my dream of only having a child or children, this may happen and possibly if I would only impregnate a woman and take my offspring. 

Should I risk or plan more further but there maybe a risk that it is too late for me to do it, and that maybe my child will do my dream for me. I already tired at this very moment, and I will leave all of  dilemmas next day, I pray that hopefully at the days past the Lord will answer my prayer and that will help me achieve all of these things in the future. The Lord is always doing things for my own good, I may not be worthy of His time and energy, I know in my heart that the Holy spirit is guiding me, that every creation of God he is concerned. 

AD MAIOREM DEI GLORIAM INQUE HOMINUM SALUTEM