It's Father's Day
June, 21, 2020
It's Father's day today,
My sister posted some lyrics of song which I am recently hearing often this time, but I was not familiar with the lyrics until she posted it.
The title of the song is Memories by Maroon 5.
There's a time that I remember, when I did not know no pain
When I believed in forever, and everything would stay the same
Now my heart feel like December when somebody say your name
'Cause I can't reach out to call you, but I know I will one day, yeah
Everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody hurts someday, ayy ayy
But everything gon' be alright
Go and raise a glass and say, ayy
Here is the part of the song's lyrics, maybe it's all now memories, because my father is already gone, you know the saying, you never know what have you got until it is gone, it was quite right, all the people out there, love your parent while they are still alive, you have to cherish the moment while you are with them now.
My father died of cancer, a stage four cancer, that's just last year august 5, 2019, if I just knew it, I have did more thing with him, I did not had the opportunity or maybe I was not aware to do it, because all I am thinking is myself , on how can we go out in this pathetic life we have, I really do have job, and I just hope that I did pamper him a little, but I did not because all I think is to save money for my future at the very least, a selfish thinking that it is all for them anyway and not for me, little did I know that I was being selfish, I should have bought him things, that he needs, that I spend my money that I save buy something for him.
This is my story of how my father fight his cancer for almost 2 years, he was diagnose with colorectal cancer late 2017, I was then starting my job in Bataan, that time he has no business at all, he is just buying some car part from other store and then sell again to other store so it is buy and sell, life with us is more harder than before, I do have finished my college in June, 2016 and after a month I was hired in company, stays there for almost 3 months and decided to quit because there is bigger opportunity working a sales representative for replacement that I will be assign far away from home, that I can only go home weekends, because I will be assigned in another province, and then there it is, I took the exam and the training, and in January 2017 I am officially deployed as probationary employee for 6 months.
Going back to the story I just state that I was still starting to build experience in this year, and this late year my father was diagnosed with cancer.
That day evening, he attended a church event and felt dizziness so he went to comfort room and then there he collapse, he was pooping a lot of blood that caused him to collapse.
The doctor says he need to undergo ultrasound and other physical exams stuff to find the main source of this, and there they found a tumor , a malignant tumor, he decided and with the consent of the family that he will not take the doctor's advice to undergo surgery which is the colostomy where he was not gonna poop in his rectum, the long intestine will be cut and they will make another hole to his side of his tummy, they will cut of the tumor and then start to have a chemotherapy and hope that he will survive by this process avoiding the tumor to spread out in his body.
There are several reasons he and family think why he did not take the treatment, first is that he and the family agreed that the procedure is expensive, the doctor is asking 250,00 pesos that about 5,000 USD, other than the medicines he needed and he then will start to undergo some treatment like radiation and chemo therapy, little did we know that we can get a free treatment on this after a year by the help of the government and some good people around us, giving us financial assistance.
Second thing is this process is painful and will give him uncomfortable life, by pooping in his tummy(colostomy).
Third is he believe that the Lord will heal him by just a mere lifestyle change and herbal medicines.
He did not pursue this process not long ago after a year, what he did is he took some herbal medicines but then after a year of treatment nothing happens to the tumor, and it is getting bigger and starting to spread, that is the time he finally took the treatment, we manage to have financial help from our friends, and send him to other provinces where the treatment is free, thanks to all the good people who helped us.
The process is really expensive but for all the help of friends and love ones, and finding government help,we actually survived it, he was able to undergo for about 11 chemo therapies, in middle of those chemo therapy that he has, there are exams that give the status of the tumor, does it spread or does it getting bigger or smaller.
Every time he undergo exams how the tumor is going on, he was in faith that it is getting smaller and he was going to survive this disease, but comes the result of the exam he was devastated to know that although the main tumor is getting smaller, it was spreading thru his body, starting to spread in his liver and lungs.
He was a little stronger on early 2017 and 2018 , actually he was even able to play basketball after his diagnosis in 2017, maybe that is also the reason that we did not take the disease seriously because we see his energy, not long after he finally took the surgery at late 2018 and started to fight the real disease, year 2018 and 2019 comes where the life is harder for us, seeing him getting thin and finally screaming out how painful he felt everyday.
It is very Ironic that my father had the cancer because he is the one that has a healthy life style in all of us, my mother was a rarely vegetable eater, he was the one influenced me to eat vegetables and fish, we are forced to eat healthy food because he is the cook in our family, we then do not have the choice and we would eat vegetables, up until now I really love eating vegetable because of him.
The doctor says the reason why he had the cancer is because of smoking and drinking alcohol, add it because of stress.
He is a hard drinker and smoker when is was in his teen up until his 40 years of age, he then stops all this vices and started to live a healthy life style little did he know coming 57 of his age the result of this will occur.
I and my father do not get along much, we argue so much in so many things, I was hard headed son, thinking that I am smarter than him, what it hurts to remember and that I realized he always make himself lose in our argument just for me think that I won the argument, or just to end the conversation.
I and father had not a quality relationship, and this story I am writing make me tired, but then I think I need to finish this one, again, as for all I know my father is proud of me, I know that even without talking deeply about our feelings, I rarely shares my problem with them, I solve it with my self, even in school, I rarely asked for their help, I know that he knows that I can face this hard life, he has much trust in me that our family will be good at in me when he left, I was just an average student that time but he knows I do not disregard my future.
In time when he was starting to fight his cancer, and all the uncertainties of life, unfortunate events, and poorness of our life. I blame him , asking him why are we poor, isn't it, it is responsibility to make his family financially stable for our future.
Before I even graduated to college my father decided to sell our asset in the business, his reason for this is that we are already old and that we can now support ourselves or at least we can now survive in ourselves.
I argue in him about selling these stuffs because he is going to sell it in very small amount than compare to its real value, but then he sold it anyway, things are not going well, after a year the money that he sold were gone.
Suddenly life is this, we are renting house(we are actually renting house before and ever but the difference is we have business that earnings can sustain the bill), and I am working far away, then came he was diagnosed and will not be able to work for himself.
After the diagnosis we needed to sell our car just to add up for our expenses, we are not able to rent a house since I am just starting in my job. He was so stressed in that decision he made, because he did not expect that selling it will make our life even harder.
That business he sold may not even making us more money to have an average life, but still it supports us in our everyday life,that business even sends me to school and able to support me for over four years in college without even requesting for a promissory note when the tuition fee is due, but then he sold it because he is hoping that in another business he will going to find greater opportunity from selling the business we have, unfortunately after a year his idea failed but anyway in his mind , even it failed we can now already support ourselves, that whole idea of him which I disagree, precisely it turned out I was right by saying it is not a good idea for him to sell our existing business and build a new business.
He was so stressed that life is getting hard for us, we are forced to face the truth that life is much harder in us for now, but then I maybe not agree with the new idea, we're still whole family, and that we face together our problem, back again to the story, we were not be able to rent out a house so my sister who then already married has offered us old house to reside there which is not occupied likewise that she was able to assist in our father, in this story I wasn't pointed out about my sister but the truth in this life we were able to survive this few year's life of us because of my sister, her husband's family have been there all along, and they were the reason we are able send my father to the hospital and undergo every surgery and treatment he needed with very little payment.
Here it is again, we thank God that someone offered us free house to live, and there we cut our expenses, what I do regret that after a year of working, I do have some saving and still I was not able to use it for my father, my father is a good man, he may have had some failure and bad decisions but for all we know is he is a risk taker, and all that he is going to benefit will benefit us, he is a good man, a one woman guy , a faithful man, a believer of Christ, this disease I would say the greatest test in his life, he was all the time have faith that he is going to be fine that the Lord will heal him, he did his best to beat the cancer, he changed his lifestyle and undergo treatment, and that kind of cancer has a huge percentage of survival rate but unfortunately not in my father, all the treatment like chemotherapy make him weaker, and after that exam just to find out that he's not doing well, he was crying to know about it, I was not all along with him everyday since I was away working, my sister and my mother has witnessed all his fight everyday of his life, I even learn him saying why God did it to him, but then he repent to say that, he still has the faith even to his last breathe.
Again, I was going to tell the week before he died, monday morning I went to his bed to say I'm going to work now and that we will meet again this weekend, he said to me that " he wanted to die" those word he said I was stunned and only I can say is, "you have to fight".
I then go, did not look at his pitiful situation, this memories with him are just lately struck me to the bones realizing my shortcomings, I am going to lengthen the story a bit, and will tell you why I regret not giving some time with my father before he even die.
I was in love back then, my father loves me so much that he will accept anyone I love, even he did not feel to, I was broken before that, courting this girl, that is one of my memory with my father as well that is the only time I shared my feeling with him, that I said to him that "I really love this girl that even someone impregnated her and left her, I will saved her and be with her" and that is just a wild assumption of me, but this is how I struggled courting that girl, hearing that from me, how I am hurt learned that my father is also devastated knowing this from me, he thinks that is not right, you have to find someone that will love you, but anyway I still pursue that girl and eventually we finally get together, and that is the beginning that my weekends are not spend in my family but to my girlfriend. I was dumb and in love, that I wasted the time I should have spent to them,
I spend my money to mostly to my girlfriend, I spend my ideas, my plan to marry the girl I love, I spend all my energy to my girlfriend on the weekend and neglected my father's situation, I was starting to have a saving that year 2018-2019, and by the way I am single now and I and my girlfriend end of our relationship, and that story is another story of my life, but this happened mostly because of my dumb decisions in life.
Anyway, how I wished that I spent that time to my father and spend my little money more for him and not in anyone else, I was stupid, I let that moment wasted and now I regret it, and this was all gone, I am too tired to this time writing this, I am emotionally drained already.
Coming back to the story that week, and I left, coming home that weekend is the time we and our father other has to go, Saturday evening, we were able to fed him but he is not that responding, I was informed that weekdays when I am away he was in his mind, he can talk and think, but in that day friday evening he was too weak, but I think he still remember me and he managed to wait for me just to know that I was there with him.
Saturday evening that day after we fed him, he asked for something cold juice, I rush to store that evening to grant his wish to have some cold juice, instead I bought every cold juices and drinks there and made him choose, but he cannot talk clearly so instead I chose soya milk for him even he said he wanted the juice, but I just think that soya milk will make him full and not the juice because he barely ate. He cannot eat that night with his own.
I just realized that I did not grant his wish that time asking for a cold juice, dumb stupid me.
I know that time there is something wrong with him, but I was so dumb that I did not even thought of sending him to the hospital.
That evening since we just have a little space in the house that I was sleeping beside him, I hear him screaming from pain he's feeling, and I neglected it, It was so hurtful to hear it from him but then I was so stupid to learn that he needs to be sent to the hospital and that realizing tomorrow that the cancer was already in his brain.
Come tomorrow morning that is about 6 am in the morning I get up to look after him to feed him and then I saw his eyes are erected , I called out to my bother to help me sent him to the hospital, I even sent him to the government hospital because I was maybe stupid that time I have a little knowledge and maybe selfish personality that to think that sending him to the private hospital will even make us spend more and that surely my money that I have save will be used, and that because I am saving this money for my future wife, again I was so stupid and selfish, may God forgive me, but just not too hard for myself, from the start of his treatment is to that same government hospital, that it is why I chose that hospital hoping his attending doctor is there and sending him to the private hospital will just spend us even more money because they will treat him from the start knowing that they do not have the record of my father, that is why I send him there to the government hospital. I just thinking that in that moment I should have not think about the expenses but just to save him and be with him some more time but knowing my father if he can talk he still gonna say that he prefer sending him to the government because he does not want to be burden financially.
I was little right that time that my father is in coma, that anytime soon he will be gone, the doctor gave us two options take him to the ICU and there put some tube in him but surely anytime soon he will not survive and that the tube will only lengthen his breathe or send him back again to house buy oxygen and spend a little and wait for him to die, and that again we chose the convenient one sending him back to house and wait for him to die, again we did not risk the other option and hoping that risk will make him live a little longer, maybe this decision is too hard for us, all we know that it is only gonna make his situation even painful and that we have to accept that he will be gone anytime soon.
We brought him to the house put some oxygen and then come Monday morning he's gone, we all mourn and then we have to move on, I just hope that life is easy just like that.
This happened night Sunday, I talked to him , even he is in coma I know that he still breathing and listening to us, I asked for his forgiveness, the only time I said I love him was the time when is about to die, my father responded when I said I love him, I told him that we can manage ourselves that he should not worry about us, I know he knows that I will be fighting this hard life, that I will do my best, I prayed with him, all I know is that his faith in God that he will be going in better place than this life, I know even somehow I think God betrayed him by not granting his wish to be healed in this cancer, he was all this time devastated even all he is doing is praying and making his self stronger by changing his life hoping God extends his life to see more day with his family and hope to have a grandson's and daughter with us, but then he did not, what a painful life, at the very least I just think so, but I think God knows what is better with him and for us.
All I know that night that he has accepted his death, that maybe God is not going to grant his wish, that he is better with God than in this life, that his purpose in this world is over, that his death will give lessons in us, in me, to be someday will be an inspiration for me to fight this hard life, to be an inspiration for us to fight back even in failure.
I may not stated good things about my father in this story because I focused on his shortcomings but then these few things are the only thing I am against to my father, and if I will be going to state how my father loves us and how he have done sacrifices for us, this will be even longer story.
Today, I would like you to be remembered PA(DAD) that you always believe in me no matter what, you have always trust in me, that you are always at my back to all my decisions and failures, you are my protector, you did not say you love me directly, but always says you love us, you did not say lovable words on us, but your actions are clearly the proof of your love for us, you are a father that has faith in God, good values, you teach us how to be fair in life, respect other people, love the elderly, fight when you are right, you just prove me wrong that I should have not beg for love, find the one who will be there for you no matter what, because that is how my mother to my father as always, cherish the person that will stay with you, even you are in garbage, and finally even before you die you bring us lesson to keep the faith in God.
Even in time of your death, I know you are thinking about us, you might not be the perfect Dad but if I am going to choose a father again and again that will be you. You will always be remembered. We love you!
It's Father's day today,
My sister posted some lyrics of song which I am recently hearing often this time, but I was not familiar with the lyrics until she posted it.
The title of the song is Memories by Maroon 5.
There's a time that I remember, when I did not know no pain
When I believed in forever, and everything would stay the same
Now my heart feel like December when somebody say your name
'Cause I can't reach out to call you, but I know I will one day, yeah
Everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody hurts someday, ayy ayy
But everything gon' be alright
Go and raise a glass and say, ayy
Here is the part of the song's lyrics, maybe it's all now memories, because my father is already gone, you know the saying, you never know what have you got until it is gone, it was quite right, all the people out there, love your parent while they are still alive, you have to cherish the moment while you are with them now.
My father died of cancer, a stage four cancer, that's just last year august 5, 2019, if I just knew it, I have did more thing with him, I did not had the opportunity or maybe I was not aware to do it, because all I am thinking is myself , on how can we go out in this pathetic life we have, I really do have job, and I just hope that I did pamper him a little, but I did not because all I think is to save money for my future at the very least, a selfish thinking that it is all for them anyway and not for me, little did I know that I was being selfish, I should have bought him things, that he needs, that I spend my money that I save buy something for him.
This is my story of how my father fight his cancer for almost 2 years, he was diagnose with colorectal cancer late 2017, I was then starting my job in Bataan, that time he has no business at all, he is just buying some car part from other store and then sell again to other store so it is buy and sell, life with us is more harder than before, I do have finished my college in June, 2016 and after a month I was hired in company, stays there for almost 3 months and decided to quit because there is bigger opportunity working a sales representative for replacement that I will be assign far away from home, that I can only go home weekends, because I will be assigned in another province, and then there it is, I took the exam and the training, and in January 2017 I am officially deployed as probationary employee for 6 months.
Going back to the story I just state that I was still starting to build experience in this year, and this late year my father was diagnosed with cancer.
That day evening, he attended a church event and felt dizziness so he went to comfort room and then there he collapse, he was pooping a lot of blood that caused him to collapse.
The doctor says he need to undergo ultrasound and other physical exams stuff to find the main source of this, and there they found a tumor , a malignant tumor, he decided and with the consent of the family that he will not take the doctor's advice to undergo surgery which is the colostomy where he was not gonna poop in his rectum, the long intestine will be cut and they will make another hole to his side of his tummy, they will cut of the tumor and then start to have a chemotherapy and hope that he will survive by this process avoiding the tumor to spread out in his body.
There are several reasons he and family think why he did not take the treatment, first is that he and the family agreed that the procedure is expensive, the doctor is asking 250,00 pesos that about 5,000 USD, other than the medicines he needed and he then will start to undergo some treatment like radiation and chemo therapy, little did we know that we can get a free treatment on this after a year by the help of the government and some good people around us, giving us financial assistance.
Second thing is this process is painful and will give him uncomfortable life, by pooping in his tummy(colostomy).
Third is he believe that the Lord will heal him by just a mere lifestyle change and herbal medicines.
He did not pursue this process not long ago after a year, what he did is he took some herbal medicines but then after a year of treatment nothing happens to the tumor, and it is getting bigger and starting to spread, that is the time he finally took the treatment, we manage to have financial help from our friends, and send him to other provinces where the treatment is free, thanks to all the good people who helped us.
The process is really expensive but for all the help of friends and love ones, and finding government help,we actually survived it, he was able to undergo for about 11 chemo therapies, in middle of those chemo therapy that he has, there are exams that give the status of the tumor, does it spread or does it getting bigger or smaller.
Every time he undergo exams how the tumor is going on, he was in faith that it is getting smaller and he was going to survive this disease, but comes the result of the exam he was devastated to know that although the main tumor is getting smaller, it was spreading thru his body, starting to spread in his liver and lungs.
He was a little stronger on early 2017 and 2018 , actually he was even able to play basketball after his diagnosis in 2017, maybe that is also the reason that we did not take the disease seriously because we see his energy, not long after he finally took the surgery at late 2018 and started to fight the real disease, year 2018 and 2019 comes where the life is harder for us, seeing him getting thin and finally screaming out how painful he felt everyday.
It is very Ironic that my father had the cancer because he is the one that has a healthy life style in all of us, my mother was a rarely vegetable eater, he was the one influenced me to eat vegetables and fish, we are forced to eat healthy food because he is the cook in our family, we then do not have the choice and we would eat vegetables, up until now I really love eating vegetable because of him.
The doctor says the reason why he had the cancer is because of smoking and drinking alcohol, add it because of stress.
He is a hard drinker and smoker when is was in his teen up until his 40 years of age, he then stops all this vices and started to live a healthy life style little did he know coming 57 of his age the result of this will occur.
I and my father do not get along much, we argue so much in so many things, I was hard headed son, thinking that I am smarter than him, what it hurts to remember and that I realized he always make himself lose in our argument just for me think that I won the argument, or just to end the conversation.
I and father had not a quality relationship, and this story I am writing make me tired, but then I think I need to finish this one, again, as for all I know my father is proud of me, I know that even without talking deeply about our feelings, I rarely shares my problem with them, I solve it with my self, even in school, I rarely asked for their help, I know that he knows that I can face this hard life, he has much trust in me that our family will be good at in me when he left, I was just an average student that time but he knows I do not disregard my future.
In time when he was starting to fight his cancer, and all the uncertainties of life, unfortunate events, and poorness of our life. I blame him , asking him why are we poor, isn't it, it is responsibility to make his family financially stable for our future.
Before I even graduated to college my father decided to sell our asset in the business, his reason for this is that we are already old and that we can now support ourselves or at least we can now survive in ourselves.
I argue in him about selling these stuffs because he is going to sell it in very small amount than compare to its real value, but then he sold it anyway, things are not going well, after a year the money that he sold were gone.
Suddenly life is this, we are renting house(we are actually renting house before and ever but the difference is we have business that earnings can sustain the bill), and I am working far away, then came he was diagnosed and will not be able to work for himself.
After the diagnosis we needed to sell our car just to add up for our expenses, we are not able to rent a house since I am just starting in my job. He was so stressed in that decision he made, because he did not expect that selling it will make our life even harder.
That business he sold may not even making us more money to have an average life, but still it supports us in our everyday life,that business even sends me to school and able to support me for over four years in college without even requesting for a promissory note when the tuition fee is due, but then he sold it because he is hoping that in another business he will going to find greater opportunity from selling the business we have, unfortunately after a year his idea failed but anyway in his mind , even it failed we can now already support ourselves, that whole idea of him which I disagree, precisely it turned out I was right by saying it is not a good idea for him to sell our existing business and build a new business.
He was so stressed that life is getting hard for us, we are forced to face the truth that life is much harder in us for now, but then I maybe not agree with the new idea, we're still whole family, and that we face together our problem, back again to the story, we were not be able to rent out a house so my sister who then already married has offered us old house to reside there which is not occupied likewise that she was able to assist in our father, in this story I wasn't pointed out about my sister but the truth in this life we were able to survive this few year's life of us because of my sister, her husband's family have been there all along, and they were the reason we are able send my father to the hospital and undergo every surgery and treatment he needed with very little payment.
Here it is again, we thank God that someone offered us free house to live, and there we cut our expenses, what I do regret that after a year of working, I do have some saving and still I was not able to use it for my father, my father is a good man, he may have had some failure and bad decisions but for all we know is he is a risk taker, and all that he is going to benefit will benefit us, he is a good man, a one woman guy , a faithful man, a believer of Christ, this disease I would say the greatest test in his life, he was all the time have faith that he is going to be fine that the Lord will heal him, he did his best to beat the cancer, he changed his lifestyle and undergo treatment, and that kind of cancer has a huge percentage of survival rate but unfortunately not in my father, all the treatment like chemotherapy make him weaker, and after that exam just to find out that he's not doing well, he was crying to know about it, I was not all along with him everyday since I was away working, my sister and my mother has witnessed all his fight everyday of his life, I even learn him saying why God did it to him, but then he repent to say that, he still has the faith even to his last breathe.
Again, I was going to tell the week before he died, monday morning I went to his bed to say I'm going to work now and that we will meet again this weekend, he said to me that " he wanted to die" those word he said I was stunned and only I can say is, "you have to fight".
I then go, did not look at his pitiful situation, this memories with him are just lately struck me to the bones realizing my shortcomings, I am going to lengthen the story a bit, and will tell you why I regret not giving some time with my father before he even die.
I was in love back then, my father loves me so much that he will accept anyone I love, even he did not feel to, I was broken before that, courting this girl, that is one of my memory with my father as well that is the only time I shared my feeling with him, that I said to him that "I really love this girl that even someone impregnated her and left her, I will saved her and be with her" and that is just a wild assumption of me, but this is how I struggled courting that girl, hearing that from me, how I am hurt learned that my father is also devastated knowing this from me, he thinks that is not right, you have to find someone that will love you, but anyway I still pursue that girl and eventually we finally get together, and that is the beginning that my weekends are not spend in my family but to my girlfriend. I was dumb and in love, that I wasted the time I should have spent to them,
I spend my money to mostly to my girlfriend, I spend my ideas, my plan to marry the girl I love, I spend all my energy to my girlfriend on the weekend and neglected my father's situation, I was starting to have a saving that year 2018-2019, and by the way I am single now and I and my girlfriend end of our relationship, and that story is another story of my life, but this happened mostly because of my dumb decisions in life.
Anyway, how I wished that I spent that time to my father and spend my little money more for him and not in anyone else, I was stupid, I let that moment wasted and now I regret it, and this was all gone, I am too tired to this time writing this, I am emotionally drained already.
Coming back to the story that week, and I left, coming home that weekend is the time we and our father other has to go, Saturday evening, we were able to fed him but he is not that responding, I was informed that weekdays when I am away he was in his mind, he can talk and think, but in that day friday evening he was too weak, but I think he still remember me and he managed to wait for me just to know that I was there with him.
Saturday evening that day after we fed him, he asked for something cold juice, I rush to store that evening to grant his wish to have some cold juice, instead I bought every cold juices and drinks there and made him choose, but he cannot talk clearly so instead I chose soya milk for him even he said he wanted the juice, but I just think that soya milk will make him full and not the juice because he barely ate. He cannot eat that night with his own.
I just realized that I did not grant his wish that time asking for a cold juice, dumb stupid me.
I know that time there is something wrong with him, but I was so dumb that I did not even thought of sending him to the hospital.
That evening since we just have a little space in the house that I was sleeping beside him, I hear him screaming from pain he's feeling, and I neglected it, It was so hurtful to hear it from him but then I was so stupid to learn that he needs to be sent to the hospital and that realizing tomorrow that the cancer was already in his brain.
Come tomorrow morning that is about 6 am in the morning I get up to look after him to feed him and then I saw his eyes are erected , I called out to my bother to help me sent him to the hospital, I even sent him to the government hospital because I was maybe stupid that time I have a little knowledge and maybe selfish personality that to think that sending him to the private hospital will even make us spend more and that surely my money that I have save will be used, and that because I am saving this money for my future wife, again I was so stupid and selfish, may God forgive me, but just not too hard for myself, from the start of his treatment is to that same government hospital, that it is why I chose that hospital hoping his attending doctor is there and sending him to the private hospital will just spend us even more money because they will treat him from the start knowing that they do not have the record of my father, that is why I send him there to the government hospital. I just thinking that in that moment I should have not think about the expenses but just to save him and be with him some more time but knowing my father if he can talk he still gonna say that he prefer sending him to the government because he does not want to be burden financially.
I was little right that time that my father is in coma, that anytime soon he will be gone, the doctor gave us two options take him to the ICU and there put some tube in him but surely anytime soon he will not survive and that the tube will only lengthen his breathe or send him back again to house buy oxygen and spend a little and wait for him to die, and that again we chose the convenient one sending him back to house and wait for him to die, again we did not risk the other option and hoping that risk will make him live a little longer, maybe this decision is too hard for us, all we know that it is only gonna make his situation even painful and that we have to accept that he will be gone anytime soon.
We brought him to the house put some oxygen and then come Monday morning he's gone, we all mourn and then we have to move on, I just hope that life is easy just like that.
This happened night Sunday, I talked to him , even he is in coma I know that he still breathing and listening to us, I asked for his forgiveness, the only time I said I love him was the time when is about to die, my father responded when I said I love him, I told him that we can manage ourselves that he should not worry about us, I know he knows that I will be fighting this hard life, that I will do my best, I prayed with him, all I know is that his faith in God that he will be going in better place than this life, I know even somehow I think God betrayed him by not granting his wish to be healed in this cancer, he was all this time devastated even all he is doing is praying and making his self stronger by changing his life hoping God extends his life to see more day with his family and hope to have a grandson's and daughter with us, but then he did not, what a painful life, at the very least I just think so, but I think God knows what is better with him and for us.
All I know that night that he has accepted his death, that maybe God is not going to grant his wish, that he is better with God than in this life, that his purpose in this world is over, that his death will give lessons in us, in me, to be someday will be an inspiration for me to fight this hard life, to be an inspiration for us to fight back even in failure.
I may not stated good things about my father in this story because I focused on his shortcomings but then these few things are the only thing I am against to my father, and if I will be going to state how my father loves us and how he have done sacrifices for us, this will be even longer story.
Today, I would like you to be remembered PA(DAD) that you always believe in me no matter what, you have always trust in me, that you are always at my back to all my decisions and failures, you are my protector, you did not say you love me directly, but always says you love us, you did not say lovable words on us, but your actions are clearly the proof of your love for us, you are a father that has faith in God, good values, you teach us how to be fair in life, respect other people, love the elderly, fight when you are right, you just prove me wrong that I should have not beg for love, find the one who will be there for you no matter what, because that is how my mother to my father as always, cherish the person that will stay with you, even you are in garbage, and finally even before you die you bring us lesson to keep the faith in God.
Even in time of your death, I know you are thinking about us, you might not be the perfect Dad but if I am going to choose a father again and again that will be you. You will always be remembered. We love you!
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